I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Even the bartender felt bad for me
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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