He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
