but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Randomize