dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
