put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Ketchup is God's man juice
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
