I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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