i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
