Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
