my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
