Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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