You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
