watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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