there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
the condom got lost in my hair
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
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