my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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