Where did you get a picture of my penis
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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