her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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