dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
