I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
