I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
