Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
