96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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