my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
