I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
