I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
