So drunk its hurt
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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