i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
