worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
