Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
