Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
