i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
