my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
