also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
