I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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