Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Randomize
