Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
