Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
