I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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