One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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