please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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