NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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