im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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