my phone needs a breathalizer
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
