Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
