Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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