3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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