what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
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