I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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