There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
did you just send me my own nude
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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