Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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