I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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