dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
