He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
His nipple licking is glorious
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