i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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