Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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