god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
