You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
