A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize