Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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