So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Randomize
