You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
