so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
