I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
