i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
