Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
